***Lustige Funksprüche***

[Stefan]

@ peter pan:

Vielen Dank für meine Ehrenrettung!!!
_________________
Gruß
Stefan

[blutorgel]

motorsegler flugschuelerin ... im funk:

"Kann mal jemadn mein fluglehrer fragen ob er mal mein slip mit stehender latte im endteil sehen will?"

[Colt Seavers]

will auch meinen Senf dazu geben:

Question: What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......
Answer: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first night time "solo" flight. He wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field to land, instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just said: "Guess who?"
Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field lights and said: "Guess where..."

Pilot: Moin Ground, die Luftsportgruppe mit dem Kranich requesting clearance to Stutti.

Unterhalten sich zwei Boeing 747-400 Piloten:
Pilot I: "Wie schafft es eigendlich ein Airbus A320, an Höhe zu gewinnen?"
Pilot II: "Durch die Erdkrümmung. Der fliegt einfach geradeaus..."

Anflug Stuttgart:
Tower: Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: Das is ja wie in Frankfurt. Da gibts auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten... aber wir sind ja flexibel.
Tower: Wir auch! Reduce to 173 knots

Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: Wollen Sie'n leichteren haben ?

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck!
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen einem Triebwerksaggregat und einer Stewardess?
Das Triebwerksaggregat hört nach dem Flug auf zu zicken...

Tower: "Say fuelstate."
Pilot: "Fuelstate."
Tower: "Say again."
Pilot: "Again."
Tower: "Arghh, give me your fuel!"
Pilot: "Sorry, need it by myself..."

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very fulltoday, but I'll tell you what I'll do-I'll go and check to see if we haveany seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class." - Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."
With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black guy walks up to the front of the plane.

Pilot (der die Frequenz wissen möchte): "Approach, what's the tower?"
Approach: "It's a big tall building with glass around it."

Eine US-amerikanische B-747 rollt recht zügig zur Holding-Position und ärgert sich über eine mit geringer Geschwindigkeit vor ihr rollende BAe 146.

"Hey, Mickey-Mouse-Jet on taxiway Charlie, could you expedite a little, we are late for our slot..."
Der Kapitän der BAe öffnet daraufhin die unter dem Leitwerk angebrachten Spoiler (zwei Flächen, die sich an beiden Seiten des Hecks spreizen können) und antwortet:
"Pfruuuuutt!!!"

Ein fünfjähriger Junge kommt ins Flugzeug-Cockpit, setzt sich hin und schaut zu. Die Zeit vergeht. Der Kapitän rückt sich seine Sonnenbrille zurecht. Die Zeit vergeht. Zehn Minuten später fragt der Kapitän den kleinen Jungen: "Na Kleiner, willst du auch mal Pilot werden?" Der Junge antwortet: "Nee, ich nicht, aber mein Bruder - die faule Sau ..."

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

Pilot: Camden Tower, this is Tomahawk Romeo Victor, request instructions for descent.
Tower: Romeo Victor, just push the nose down.

Tower, talking to a female helicopter-pilot: Tower: What's your altitude?
Pilot: 1000 feet
Tower: What's your heading?
Pilot: 175
Tower: What's your speed?
Pilot: 150 knots
Tower: What's your bra size?
Pilot: 36B... --- AAAAAHHHH!!! SHIIIITTT!!!!!

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Co-Pilotin: Hannover Tower LH3242, good morning
Controller: LH3242, Hannover Tower,Good morning Gentlemen
Co-Pilotin: Wissen Sie nicht, daß bei der Lufthansa auch Frauen fliegen?
Controller: Hey Käpt'n. Seid wann kann der Autopilot sprechen?

Die Lotsen am Frankfurter Flughafen sind international wohl als ziemlich unfreundlich bekannt, so erwarten sie unter anderem, dass die ankommenden Piloten ihre Parkplätze genau kennen. So kam es eines Tages zu folgendem Funkverkehr:
BA 747 (Speedbird 206): »Good morning Frankfurt. Speedbird 206 clear to active.«
Ground: »Good Morning. Taxi to your gate.«
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: »Speedbird, do you know where you are going?«
Speedbird 206: »Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate location now.«
Ground (impatiently): »Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?«
Speedbird 206 (coolly): »Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop...«

Die Passagiere warten in einer Maschine auf den Abflug.
Der Eingang öffnet sich, und zwei Männer in Pilotenuniformen kommen den Gang entlang. Beide tragen verdunkelte Augengläser. Einer der beiden führt einen Blindenhund an der Leine, der andere tappt sich seinen Weg mit einem weißen Stock den Gang entlang.
In der Maschine hört man laute und nervöse Gespräche, trotzdem gehen die Männer ins Cockpit, schließen die Tür und starten die Triebwerke.
Die Passagiere werfen sich nervöse, ängstliche Blicke zu, und suchen irgendein Anzeichen dafür, daß es sich hierbei um einen schlechten Scherz handeln könnte. Aber die Maschine zieht schneller und schneller die Piste entlang, und die Leute auf den Fensterplätzen realisieren, daß geradeaus am Ende der Startbahnpiste nur noch das Meer ist.
Als es so aussieht, als ob die Maschine nie im Leben abheben würde, sondern im Meer versinken, füllt sich auf einmal die Kabine mit panischem Geschrei. Aber genau in diesem Moment hebt die Maschine sanft ab.
Im Cockpit dreht sich der Co-Pilot zum Piloten und sagt:
"Weißt Du, Bob, eines Tages werden die Leute zu spät schreien, und dann werden wir alle sterben."

[Stefan]

@ Andre:

Cool, da kannte ich manche noch gar nicht!

Und ohne frauenfeindlich zu sein, aber der ist mal geil!!!

[Colt Seavers]

http://www.eddh.de/unterhaltung/humor.html


ok hier noch einen für die Frauen:

Female Controller: United 123 heavy, can you climb to flight level 330 in the next five to ten miles?
Pilot: Well, Ma'am, we'll try and get it up that fast, but we can't guarantee it.
Female Controller: I understand. A lot of you guys have that problem

[Bob]

za

[Cloakmaster]

After a pretty rough landing the stewardess announces to the passengers:
" Ladies and Gelntlemen, please reamin seated while Captain Cangoroo bounces us to our final parking positon..."

Das folgende sind zwar keine Funksprüche, aber angeblich stammen sie aus echten Berichten...

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[Bob]

za

[Colt Seavers]

http://www.eddh.de/x-files/dl_files/pilots.mpg

[Blade]

Ja, Bullie rulez . Aber das traumschiff gefällt mir noch besser.

[KnutderElch]

Hehe, da kenn ich auch noch welche:

Is wirklich so passiert, hab ich in EDDL mitgehört:

DLH3935: Düsseldorf Delivery, schönen guten morgen, die Lufthansa 3935 ready to copy clearance to München.
EDDL_DEL: Guten morgen, Lufthansa 3935, expect clearance in about 45 minutes
DLH3935: Confirm 45 minutes delay!
EDDL_DEL: 45 min confirmed
DLH3935: Ah, then cancel the "schönen guten morgen"

Oder:
Centerfrequenz in den USA:
Pilot: I'm fucking bored!
Controller: Give me your callsign, imediately!
Pilot: I said I'm fucking bored not fucking stupid

[blutorgel]

was ist unterschied zwischen einem F/O und jesus ??

gibt keinen, beide sitzen zur rechten gottes.